Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
You Might Also Like
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Legend 🤣🤣
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Well, that didn’t work.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?