Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
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Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China