Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
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Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Very problematic
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.