“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
#milo
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.