“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
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My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
🚲+physics = winner
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.