My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
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Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?