when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
how to exercise your calf muscles
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!