I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
You Might Also Like
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.