how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
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Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Facebook memories be like
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
what it’s like dating me:
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.