I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
You Might Also Like
Every photo I’m tagged in
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Baller is short for ballerina
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
he chose this
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!