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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.