Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
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Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.