Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
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Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting