I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers