I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
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Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Awesome parenting 😂
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*