Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice