URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
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Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Breaking news:
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no