I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
You Might Also Like
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
technically true but not a great slogan
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
i- i did not expect this
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.