WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
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Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.