First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
You Might Also Like
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
mumsnet is amazing
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
what could possibly go wrong?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.