AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Incredible customer service.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that