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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Had to try this trend 😊
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
my mind
You just read my mind
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers