13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
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With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
When you let grandma cat sit
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
😅🤣😂
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?