Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I have a new favorite meme page