I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
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[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?