I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
There are no pants in heaven.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
why no one uses midhusbands
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*