*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
new wife guy just dropped
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell