@ShortSleeveSuit

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

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@meantomyself

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

@SvnSxty

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@nocturneop9no1

I’m choking laughing omfg πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

@UncleBob56

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

@mattZillaaaa

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

@Contwixt

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

@murrman5

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

@JermHimselfish

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

@SirEviscerate

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”