[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
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Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Planet of the Apps.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*