I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
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Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”