Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

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Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.


Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir


I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go


Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.


“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)


Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.


In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.


“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago


Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.