@ChickenFrecklez Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
@LibertyLayne01 Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
You Might Also Like
@ChickenFrecklez 
@spaceboyriley Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
@Bob_Janke I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
@seamusmckracken Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
@croninwhocares “And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
@Muaythaigirlie Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
@alexsteincomedy In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
@chrisscarlette “just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
@HatfieldAnne Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
@pondermymaker Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.