Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
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Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Have kids, they said
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy