Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.