I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
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Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.