Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
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(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Ape together strong
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
first you must answer his riddles
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later