My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Stop.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
oh you wanna fight?!
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Milk Cube
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony