*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.