Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
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Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?