Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
You Might Also Like
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Meme Monday.
Just a reminder, folks:
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out