Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
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*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.