I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
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[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?