“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
This trial is so absurd 😭
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
podcasts
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.