Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
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Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
scares
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this