When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
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Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please