Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
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A small tragedy.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
😅🤣😂
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.