drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
These are my roll models.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.