Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
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I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
#catsoftwitter
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.