me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
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– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Things will get butter, keep churning
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*praying for world peace*
God:
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
for all #parents out there
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.