@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

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@WhatevaConc

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

@juneohara65

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

@robfee

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

@Coolisiana

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

@Lisabug74

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@ItsAndyRyan

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

@BangMyBongo

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

@JayMindX

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.