[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants