@WhatevaConc When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
@dafloydsta [job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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@WhatevaConc 
@juneohara65 Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
@OhNoSheTwitnt If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
@robfee The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
@Coolisiana (Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
@Lisabug74 I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
@stephenjmolloy [Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
@ItsAndyRyan Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
@BangMyBongo Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
@JayMindX Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.