The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…