I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Chicago sounds lovely.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
bugs when you lift up a rock
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Whoa 😂