Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
You Might Also Like
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
ready to be harvested
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Just as the prophecy foretold
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?