When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.